It just now occured to me how impossible it is for me to make money off being an artist.
I can’t draw realistically, so I can’t be a courtroom sketcher.
I’m no good at graphic design or photoshop or whatever.
Animation takes years of school.
Kids don’t like me, I couldn’t be an art teacher.
I’ve tried doing commissions for tattoos and book illustrations, but I’ve never gotten it right and they never used my ideas.
All I can do is paint and draw ugly, bizarre, disturbing women and babies.
And no one was ugly, bizarre, disturbing things hanging in a frame in their home.
I always thought maybe I’d find my niche market, maybe a weird gallery who thinks I’m a genius, and take it from there.
Maybe I’m not pushing myself hard enough. Maybe I haven’t looked hard enough.
Maybe I don’t sell myself well.
Maybe I need to lower art into the Hobby section of my Priorities in Life, and focus on getting some soulless, menial, highish-paying job.
All I know is I’m going to London in the summer, and I can’t understand how I’m supposed to afford it.
I’m sick of running out of money before payday. I’m sick of not eating as healthy as I could be because I can’t afford produce. I’m sick of seeing dozens of paintings literally collecting dust in the corner of my living room because they’re unsightly and unpalatable.
It gets harder and harder to sit down and paint something. Even if I enjoy the process and the result, it will inevitably end up in that wretched corner of my living room. It just seems like a waste of time in the long run. I want people to buy my art, I want to share it, I want to talk about it, I want people to talk about it, and I want people to like it. But when I look at my work, I don’t see something anyone would like. It doesn’t reveal any truths about the human condition. It doesn’t pose any questions, exhibit tremendous techinical skill, or bring about any emotions. I like ancient Egyptian art, Salvador Dali, and Dr.Seuss, and they make me paint things the way I do. That’s it.
I feel like I’ve been naive. I went to art school for a year, made a CV, learned so much about the creation and business of art, and I expected to at least have somewhat of a career or reputation by now.